Berry Pie!

Welcome to Shash's Kitchen!

Today you'll learn how to bake a homemade blackberry pie. Sit back, kick off your shoes, wiggle your toes, and enjoy!

Step 1: Picking berries

Alex works away

California blackberries grow sporadically all over California. Unfortunately for us, the nearest patch is along the road we share with our neighbors... one of which says she owns the bushes. We've heard horror stories about her shouting "you're stealing food from my children's mouths!" at the berry pickers that she catches... which I'm sure is true, given the number of SUVs and horses that she owns.

At any rate, you have to be quiet, quick, and have all your hobbit senses on full alert. Alex and I felt like Pippin and Merry stealing from Farmer Maggot. Lucky for us, the only witnesses were curious horses. Unlucky for us, we both got scratched and stung all over from the mean bushes. But Pippin -- I mean, Alex -- found a great, hooked stick that we were able to use to tug berry clutches closer. Unfortunately, there were still some luscious berries that were out of reach. The torture!

Mean berries out of reach... my inner bear felt very cheated

Usually there are plenty of blackberries... given the fact that bears used to eat them but the Spanish killed all the grizzlies that once roamed all over California. :( But today we were lucky to get enough for a pie.

You will get very... berryized

The day's success

Step 2: Making the Pie

First you must wash the berries and pick out any bugs or stems or other unwanted... things.

The washed berries

Then you make the pie crust. For the first time I used a food processor to make the dough. It was so much easier... the 20th century feels great!

About to become a crust... and cooked in 350 degrees, hahaHA!

Next you take your ball of dough and divide it in two.

"My name is Humpty Lumpty..." ...I'm scaring myself

Then you lightly sprinkle the cutting board (I made ours!) with flour and roll out the dough. Once flat and vaguely circular, you wrap the dough around the rolling pin and carefully drop it into the pie tin that you kept from the last pie you bought at Marie Calendar's because you're cheap.

It looks very... very.

Then you put butter in it because you're a fatty and want to get even fatter so that some mean chick will blog complaints about you.

Fat fat fat!

Teyla, the genius, watched me make the whole thing. Hope springs eternal!

Then you examine the berry filling and, if you're a woman, try not to feel sick to your stomach. I recall one time when my summer sister, Piglet, and I were making a pie and/or tarts with the berries we'd picked when my older brother wandered into the kitchen at a most inopportune moment. I'd just pointed at the berry mush and said to Piglet, "...You know what that looks like."

My brother desperately wanted to know what we could possibly be talking about but we were too busy laughing and gagging at the same time, at which point he began to figure it out and stated "Nothing that comes out of a girl looks like that." Of course we laughed even more and thanked him for enlightening us with all of his experience. Now you'll never eat a blackberry pie again, will you?

YUM

You then fill the pie crust with your, uh, berry filling.

It even sparkles... it must've been blessed by fairies!

Then you roll out the dough for the top pie crust and if you're cool like me, it will turn out to look like a really fat and demented version of the bat signal.

...Or a skinned armadillo

You then put your skinned armadillo on top of your menstrual fluid and feel real proud.

They like each other

After trimming off the excess crust, it's time to tuck in the upper layer of crust under the lower.

...And it looks really boring

To spice things up a bit, you pinch the sides. That's right, you pinch them, as if the poor pie isn't already going to be in enough pain baking in 350 degrees, you sadist!

The tortured pie

But then you put a pretty sun on it, because it's summer and you want your victim to look pretty.

Very... summery!

Teyla continued to supervise.

All she got for her efforts was a crumb of gross pie dough

Then you cut slits in the upper crust so that the steam can escape as it cooks. Make sure you do them like I do or you're going to Hell.

Almost done!

Then you do my secret step that isn't really secret. You cover the top with milk so that it bakes even prettier, then put even more sugar on it because you're fat.

...After what I said about the berries, I'm just gonna keep my mouth shut about the milk.

Then you put tin foil around the crust to keep it from burning and put it on a cookie tray since juice is going to shoot out as it dies.

All dressed up and ready to go!

You bake it for 25 minutes with the foil. In the meantime, you take the leftover scraps of dough and make a little tasty with them, sprinkled with sugar and cinammon and cooked for those 25 minutes.

Before

After
(it's now heading for the toilet)

Also, if you're me, in those 25 minutes you figure "what the hell?" and whip out a chocolate chip nut torte that you modified into a pie because you happened to have a pre-made organic pie crust.

Everyone can see that it looks like puke, I don't need to open my potty mouth...

After the 25 minutes you take off the foil and cook for another 25-30, at which point it comes out bubbling, golden, and scrumptious!

OoooOOoooh!

Let cool on a wire rack for as long as you feel like it. Don't put it on the windowsill because Pete from O Brother, Where Art Thou? will steal it.

Pete-bait

Then you make your mom pull out the other pie after it has baked it's 40 minutes because you can't stand being in the kitchen anymore.

The... other pie.

...What the heck is in the bottom right corner?!

(Then... you take a break from your blog to go eat pie and watch The Saddle Club, a cheesy, hokey kids' show that we're addicted to.

The bloody mess

It was scrumdiddlyocious but the crust was a bit chewy! )

After you bake a pie, you flee from the kitchen and play Runner with your sister. How do you play Runner? I don't know, but this is how we play.

I change into clothes that are suitable for running then take off while my sister tacks up one of our horses. Today it was Sparrow. I'm not allowed to go off of the horse trails until I find a good spot to hide nearby. Then I hide.

Today I ran and found a pine tree and climbed it, adding many more scrapes to the ones I got from the berry patch, along with green and yellow moss/mold stains and pine sap all over, even in my armpit, but it worked! Alex and Comanche came along a bit later, looking for me. Chee Chee followed my scent right up to the tree then got confused. Alex was looking around making comical Wraith sounds and I had to hold my breath to keep from laughing. After she and Comanche passed me without noticing, I said, "Hell no!" in a Southern accent like Ronon randomly did last episode.

She then turned back and began to look for me again and when she didn't find me right away I said, "Ever seen a Satedan pole dancer?" (because there's some shot in that episode "Sateda" where Ronon is on the ceiling and... something about how he was posed made me joke that he looked like a pole dancer). She looked up then and saw me. I was about 20 feet up! Getting down was... interesting. My sports bra got full of pieces of bark.

Once on the ground, an interesting conversation occurred between Ronon and the Wraith.

Wraith: Now I'm going to eat you!
Ronon: Wait, hold on a sec, I wanna show you something really cool first.
Wraith: *sighs* Fine.

Ronon leads the Wraith on horseback past several ponds and down a hill to some equipment, including a large scale for trucks. On the way they converse as follows:

Ronon: So you work for some big bald guy who has you hunt me, right?
Wraith: How do you know about Alfred?!
Ronon: One time when you thought I had my eyes closed, I didn't, and I saw him.

All three step on the scale and weigh 1,260 lbs.

Ronon: This is what I wanted to show you.
Wraith: Arghhhhh... I already knew this existed!
Ronon: Yeah, but now you know how much I weigh...
Wraith: I don't care, I want to eat you!
Ronon: Well this is a company write off, isn't it?
Wraith: Uh...
Ronon: I mean, I'm several pounds of lean meat here. I'm just trying to make sure you get the most for your buck. If you're gonna be reimbursed you wanna make sure you know the quality of meal you're having.
Wraith: Hmm...
Ronon: All I'm saying is, I think Alfred's ripping you off...
Wraith: I must go speak with him!

The Wraith gallops off. Ronon raises his hand in a lone goodbye.

Ronon: So long, buddy! Good luck!

Ronon smiles and wanders off, having survived another day.

mackenzie's momma - OMG. Imagining a 300lb dude in a 50ft glass box is both hilarious and disturbing. Wow. So what's your job? I can't even conceive of the idea of letting yourself get to 300lbs... mostly fat. And your farm set up sounds cool! We should emulate it a bit since we have about the same acreage. What type of goats do you raise?

Will - LMAO what the hell? Beautiful.

mo - I'm so sorry about your injuries as a child! That must be so frustrating! And wow... your thoughts on obese children in the classroom - I never thought about that before. That's so terrible. I'm glad that you have very strong feeling on the subject! We need more people like you expressing concern rather than judgment, you know? And I'm so glad you enjoyed the films! Haha! Yes, demented English major humor... Moby Dick and all... but now that I hold an English degree and am in a creative writing program, I'm probably even weirder. Okay - I'm totally intrigued. What's the difference between "Canadian" and "Canadien"?

Rants and Season Premieres!

First off, thank you guys for the welcome back! :D

But now I must put a warning on this post: it contains potentially offensive, politically incorrect material, as does every post by me. I have two major issues to rant about.

1. Obesity

I've always heard the statistics that Americans are vastly overweight, but I've never seen it in my area, so I always assumed people were making a fuss for no reason. That is, until we traveled around South Dakota in 2005. Where are all the fat people? In the Midwest! I mean, sitting in the massive Cabella's store I counted five people who were so overweight that they had to be pushed around in wheelchairs. But what's even worse is that these people have spread to the Sierra Nevada of California!

Now, I'm a young, currently single gal, so while camping I kept my eye out on any newcomers in case there'd, you know, be a cute guy my age camping with his family. I've kept my hopes up ever since the one time when I was 16 I learned how to eye flirt by checking out this guy with a body like a model. Then one evening he stopped me with the cheesy line of "Excuse me, but don't I know you from somewhere?" I wish I could remember the conversation but my mind went so haywire that I could hardly talk. I have no clue what the poor sod's name was and when he asked me mine, I panicked, having no clue what I was called, and remember thinking, "Crap, he won't know the difference, just tell him a name, any name! Um, Bob! Shit, wait, that's a guy's name! OMFG I can't think of any girls' names! Katie! Is Katie a girls' name? I'll tell him I'm a Katie" and then, of course, in the split second it took to freak out like that, I stuttered out my name. He was probably twenty or something but talk about hilarious. After our chat (again, of which I remember nothing but I think he invited me to his campfire) I was so shy that I'd look away whenever he'd look at me. And as always, my brothers were ready to shoot him.

But anyway, this year I kept thinking "How come all the guys here are fat?" which quickly eroded into "holy crap, all the guys here are fat because everyone here is fat!"

The first thing I saw when we pulled into our campsite was a fat kid's buttcrack hanging out of his pants as he played catch. He may have been 10 and was already so overweight that he could hardly move. That disgusts me. I know you can't tell your kid, "Listen up, hun, you're FAT" but you could at least try to change the family's habits as a whole to help your child. Don't people want their kids to live lives with the most opportunities? That doesn't exactly happen when you drop dead from a clogged artery at 11.

Then a whole family of fat people moved in next to us. Fat red necks were constantly waddling down to the beach with their beer, sitting in chairs in the water. My eyes! My eyes!

Okay, so I'm being a little dramatic, and the fat family that moved in next to us were the nicest people. So here's the part where I admit, in case you think I'm fatist (like racist except against fat people) that I get over appearance in a few seconds and if you're a fat friend of mine, I seriously don't notice unless you keep pointing it out, in which case I'm not sure what to say. I mean, "I've seen fatter" isn't exactly comforting.

But camping is an environment where people spy on each other in their daily lives. I mean, we're all squatting in the dirt (and paying money to do so) and get bored. And when you're camped right by the lake, you get the whole show. And I don't feel guilty seeing fat strangers and thinking that they're wrong.

Being fat is not good. I know some, or maybe a lot, of people have serious health issues and/or are just built bigger and couldn't lose weight/be thinner no matter how much they tried. But I also know that a lot of fat people in my family are fat because they don't exercise and they eat shit. I imagine that much of the country is like that, as well.

This is where it gets complicated because I do believe in unconventional beauty, no one should ever be discriminated against because of how they look, and Mika's "Big Girl (You Are Beautiful)" is one of the most amazing songs ever. But obese people upset me because it's so unhealthy. It's like watching a chain smoker. A lifestyle habit that's harmful. Sure, it might not be any of my business, but when it's an epidemic in my country, it kinda is.

I'm not trying to pass off any sort of "skinny person" judgment, because I could easily lose a few pounds, but I'm talking about people who were so large that my brothers literally had arguments over how someone that big could possible wipe their butt.

America, and the rest of the world (I actually saw more fat Aussies on my tour in Ireland than Americans) please, exercise! It's not that hard and it's needed to stay sane! The human body is the same as it was when we were living in caves -- we're designed to move. Lots. So please, start moving and lay down that donut. In nature, sugar occurs in fruits, so when you're craving something sweet, you're really craving fruits/vegetables, not sugar cane extract and processed, hydrogenated cupcakes!

In case you hate me right now, you might like to know that I have this little game. I judge my attractiveness every year while camping by if a guy asks me if I want a beer or not. I never say yes, but it lets me know I've "still got it." This year? Nada. That's right, at 24, I'm a wash up. A hag. Maybe the fat people sense my unattraction to them or maybe it's because we were only there 10 days rather than the usual 2 weeks, but still, the results are in. I'm nasty!

2. Bad Parents

I should say piss poor parents. Or something even ruder. Remember how I said everyone spies on each other? Well, there were plenty of parents on the beach in front of us, day in and day out, and it re-enforced the idea that not everyone should be a parent.

Remember those pretty Canadian geese and duckies I took pictures of? They'd cruise by every day in their various flocks, and almost every day, some little shit would chuck rocks at them. The parents would just sit there and let their kids try to harm the local wildlife. Only once did anyone say anything, and it was one of the awesome fat people near us, talking to a kid who she didn't even know, telling him not to chuck rocks at ducklings.

But seriously, what the f*&#@ is wrong with these kids in the first place to think, "I have a good idea. Imma chuck a rock at an adorable little duck!" and furthermore, what the *^%##!!$^*()&^$##@!!#%^&*()_)(*&^%$#@@!! is wrong with the parents who just sat there with bovine interest, letting their kids get away with it?!

And to make matters worse, these were the same parents who, half the time, would get up from sunbathing and randomly spank one of their toddlers. I can only imagine that it was because the kid was mouthing off, but what the f&*%!? If your kid is being a dick, you put them in time out, you restrict them from something they enjoy, etc. You don't spank them -- that teaches them nothing other than fear. My dad and his uncles were all spanked (more like beaten) when growing up every time any one of them would do wrong (yeah, if one kid stole a cookie, they all got whipped) and it taught them no sense of right or wrong, only fear. They'd behave because they were afraid, not because they knew better. Now two two are in jail. Go figure.

You know what spanking is? Laziness. It's "I'm too tired to put in the effort to actually teach you so I'm just gonna slap you to get you to knock it off." I'm a nanny so I know what it's like to be at the end of your rope with a kid, and can't imagine doing it day in and day out, but if you can't properly raise your kid then you shouldn't've had one in the first place. There's these little yellow pills and these things called condoms, people.

Okay. Rant is over. Fat people need to get healthy and lazy parents need to grow up. On to better things, like... our new fan film!

Our second season premiere, Stargate Atlantis: Hidden II is now up on YouTube!

Funny story about when we made this. After we finished filming on the second day, our water ran out. I was stuck as Ronon, with the beard, for hours. And it was hot, too! It reminded me of a conversation once had at the dinner table, when I excitedly suggested to Alex that for our second season, we switch who plays who, so I'd get to play Weir and she could play Ronon. My mom overheard and matter of factly said, without looking at us, "No, Kellie looks more like Ronon anyway." My own mother thinks I look like a man. Maybe the saddest part of this story is the fact that this isn't the first time I've heard this. Even a few years ago when we were making the Lord of the Rings fan films, the Lord of the Freaks, I constantly heard that I resembled Elijah Wood/Frodo. No wonder I didn't get offered a beer!

I'm ugly enough without being stuck as a man!

Enjoy!

Stargate Atlantis: Hidden II

Description: In our season two opener, Carson is mourned, secrets are revealed, and you won't believe the last five minutes... or maybe you will.

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

MacKenzie's Momma -- Aww, bless your heart. That would've been awesome if you'd farm sat for us. What set up do you have at home? What do you raise/grow? And I think your hair looks lovely!

Mo -- Yes, the braids! As a kid I never had my hair out of twin braids. ;) I should've tied a message onto one of those geese and hoped he/she delivered it to you! Maybe they weren't from Canada, though, since it is summer. But yes, I'd love to see photos of your campus!

Back!

I’m back! And it’s certainly been a while since I posted. My apologies! Though I’m sure you all somehow survived without reading about my randomness for a few weeks.

Overall the camping trip went well. There were some days that the smoke from the nearby fires blew in so heavily that it was difficult to see across the lake and you could feel a grit coating your teeth. The day we arrived was one of those days. The moment I stepped out of the car and started walking around I felt dizzy like I was on an amusement park ride. Thank the gods for Sudafed!

The lake upon arrival. Smoke, not fog.

The drive there was nice, unlike the drive home. I read aloud from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows so that my mom and sister could finally catch up with the rest of the world. CDF were everywhere, fighting the fires.

Teyla the toot, still healing from her torn ligament, was grumpy and barking at everyone she saw. Imagine how fun it was for us.

The grumpy Toot

We stopped at Carl’s Jr. and I got my yearly quota of fast food. Seriously all I could take!

Jessica finally got her French fries!

And I’m a really good dancer in the car. (No, you don't want to know who I'm imitating.)

Oh yeah. My gift for putting out that lightning fire. Apparently Lucius dragged the hose through poison oak! And yes, my whole family is rather bow-legged.

We had lots of fun swimming and using the boat. One morning Alex and I woke up early and paddled up the river as the sun rose. The water was so cold our bones hurt!

Bathe me in dawnlight

Clear Sierra snowmelt

Heading upriver

Heaven

Leaving the canoe behind... and keeping an eye out for bears!

Now I wish I were there...

Rowing back to the lake and camp

Here are some of the other photographic highlights of the trip:

Chee Chee relaxing

The Curse of the Orange Sun followed us

I got in touch with my inner Rasta

The clear days were gorgeous, as always

Canada geese often stop by with their broods, looking for handouts that we probably shouldn't be giving them but do anyway

Independence Day! We decorated camp. The air was clean. We even had a cake.

And sometimes the smoke was pretty

And made for pretty sunsets (ignore the foreground )

Historic Nevada City -- the heart of Gold Country. Though I wonder what Tasunke Witko would think if he saw this bar named after him... and so far from his home in the Black Hills of South Dakota!

A flaming driftwood tipi...

The adorable little princess sleeping in a tent

Studying birds in a creek after a bike ride

Every year camping I seem to channel an old singer. 2005 was the year of Willie Nelson with two braids and a bandanna. I even started answering to Willie. 2006 was the year of the braids that were in for 2 weeks and became wannabe dreads. I was called Bob Marley. Last year was more of the same since the braids are great when you're always going in and out of the water, but this year was more of a mix, ending with braids like above, but started out like this:

I have no idea what I was looking at

This picture is like one of those blurry ones of UFOs or Bigfoot. This is not Comanche. This is Bernard. You can never tell when Bernard will take over and Chee Chee will leave. It's frightening, really.

On the last day, as we packed up early in the morning, we had a visitor

Isn't she adorable? I've always wanted a duck

And we didn't get the campsite we've gotten ever since I was 4 or so... and the woman who had it this year didn't even use it for the time she paid for, so we had to look at it empty for ages. In return, we decided to leave her a little "gift" for when she did show up.

The best highlight was probably during the few days that our friend Tony came up. He ripped off his swimming trunks to reveal his black speedo on his gloriously untanned, marshmallow-white body, and posed beside my brother as he drove the boat, waving at everyone we passed. Beautiful. I'd post pictures but am not sure he wants them floating about on the net!

The ride home was a frightening adventure, however. The smoke had been in for two or three days so we were all running low on brain cells after breathing it 24/7. We travel with a truck and fifth wheel trailer and a suburban and boat. The fifth wheel popped a tire about an hour out of camp and had to pull over. We doubled back and kept my brother company while my dad and other brother went to get a tire that fit (the spare had the wrong sized rim). Every car that whizzed by created such a vacuum that the suburban and boat were rocked. The wait turned out to be an hour, and Teyla decided she'd had enough and barked at all the cows outside the window, just to torture us.

Once back on the road again we had little trouble in our vehicle other than getting Teyla to stay in her seat. I once more read from Harry Potter, however on the side of the freeway I noticed something rather disturbing. A small tornado on the side of the road where there had been a fire, stirring up the ashes:

We don't get those in California. Creepy! Once we were all home, we learned that the truck had been in an accident during a lane change (in which the other guy who got hit had tried to speed up to avoid getting stuck behind a trailer and now the jerk is lying to the insurance company). As if that weren't bad enough, my diabetic brother, who had been following us home in his car, pulled up with a dazed expression, having no idea what he was doing. It turned out that his blood sugar was so low that he should've been in a coma (he was at the same level my dad was at last year camping when he did fall into a coma). Thankfully, he and everyone else are all right now, and we're home safely!

Chee Chee gets to run free for the first time in almost 2 weeks since he was always on a leash while camping

There was some smoke when we returned but it's been pretty clear lately, and even when it does come in, it's much less than it was a few weeks ago. The fires are finally getting contained, and we've had international help, which has been awesome.

After the braids were out... I have no idea who the feck that is...

Alex joined me with my hair style. Retarded savages!

mo - I didn't die! Not yet, at least. ;) And your campus sounds lovely! Since we don't get snow, all of ours are just sprawled out and nothing's covered. Makes it interesting when it rains. ;)

mackensie's momma - Hell yes it's his loss. Maybe he's just a scardey cat and needs a few months to gather up the courage to call? And while we were gone, several neighbors fed and looked after the animals. :) Though since the dogs were gone, a young coyote took up residence and picked off most of our chickens. :(

elluca - TARA! Gwathel-nin! Yay! *clomps* I miss and love you so! I'm off to check out your blog right now! :D